As summer ends and a new school year begins, children of recently separated or divorced parents may be faced with a new set of transitions. For some children, that could be a higher level of math or no longer having naps in first grade, or it could include navigating a new school and new friends or seeing old classmates and feeling pressured to disclose the status of their parent’s relationship. No matter what lies ahead, it’s important for separated and divorced parents to make sure their child is prepared to go back to school with confidence. Here are a few tips to get you and your child on the right path this school year.
1. Share your Parenting Plan with School Staff and Teachers
Many schools require that if you are separate or divorced, a copy of the Permanent Parenting Plan be placed in your child’s file. This is so the school is aware of who the primary parent is as well as if there are any limitations on custody. It is important that you make sure that a copy is on file and that you do not assume the other parent has provided a copy to the school. Often issues arise when one parent forgets to list the other on the school pick-up list resulting in the school failing to release the child at dismissal. In most cases, if there is a legal document demonstrating your designated rights and parenting time on file, this can easily be corrected. Having a copy on file also allows you to make sure that you have access to report cards, grades, lunchtime visits with your child, etc.
2. Connect with your Child’s Teachers
Connect with your child’s teachers, regardless of your child’s age. Establishing a positive rapport with your child’s teachers opens a line of communication that benefits all parties. It also affords you the opportunity to explain some of the feelings your child may be experiencing in light of your divorce or separation. A more informed teacher can better provide feedback to your child and recognize and address any behaviors they may witness. Additionally, if you and the other parent are struggling to communicate, it can be beneficial to ask the teacher to send communications, updates, or newsletters to both parents.
3. Create a Method for how you and the other parent will make sure that the Child has all necessary school supplies and materials during one another’s parenting time.
During the school year not only will your child be exercising parenting time at the other parent’s home, but there will also be books, tablets, school supplies, or equipment and uniforms for extracurricular activities that will need to make their way back and forth between your homes and school. Depending on your method of exchanging the child, this could be fairly simple. But inevitably there will be a day when a book is left at another’s parent’s home, or a charger is left in mom’s car during dad’s time. It’s important to have a plan for how to manage these items, especially if your child is too young to do so on their own. If exchanges are frequent, it might be a good idea to obtain a second set of supplies or books (when possible). It can also be a good idea to set up a calendar or checklist that is shared between parents so that you can coordinate what supplies are needed and when. For younger children, you may need to check their backpacks before school to make sure all items needed during the other parent’s time are packed and ready to go. Ultimately, be flexible during the first few months of your new parenting schedule. If something is left behind, make reasonable efforts to make sure the child has what he or she needs.
4. Be involved in your child’s education
The more involved you are, the better. Go to parent-teacher conferences, open houses, chorus presentations, school events such as Parent Breakfast or Thanksgiving Lunch, etc. The more present you are, the more secure your child will feel. Further, many of the best interest factors for a child custody determination look at how involved the parent is in the child’s daily life. Your involvement in your child’s education can be a positive factor in a future custody modification.
5. Arrange Play Dates for your Child and Old Friends
If your child is starting a new school following your separation, make arrangements for your child to still engage with friends from their prior school. Children thrive on continuity and stability. While we may not be able to change that you and your partner are no longer together and there are now two households, parents can maintain continuity for the child by allowing him or her to still meet up with old friends or participate in activities with peers as they did prior to the separation. If distance makes this impossible, Facetime or video chats can help as your child makes new friends in his or her new environment. If you promise your child that he or she will still see their friends regularly post-separation, do not break that promise. Continue to demonstrate to your child through words and actions that you support their well-being and that they can trust what you say by making good on this promise.
6. Provide a United Front for addressing homework, grades, and behaviors.
It’s important that you and your child’s other parent discuss how you will handle completing assignments, grades received, and any behavior reports from school. Children are very observant, and it will not take long for them to realize if one parent handles information differently than the other. Have a plan and stick to it; write one out if you need to. Will screen time or devices be taken away at both homes if grades slip? How will homework be completed when it is due later in the week? How will you address poor behavior with the child? The more united you are at the outset, the more prepared you will be should issues arise. Further, this reminds the child that while his or her parents may no longer be together, the rules have not changed.
7. Allow your Child to Cope with their Feelings Regarding your Divorce or Separation and Seek Professional Help if needed.
Children will experience a wide array of feelings to varying degrees following your separation. It can be hard to predict how your child will handle the process. It’s best to be observant and allow your child to experience his or her feelings without shame. Acknowledge the role you have played in how they feel. If your child is comfortable coming to you to express his or her feelings, it will provide you with better feedback on their needs and how to parent them. These open conversations also establish trust and make it more likely that in the future, if your child is struggling, he or she will come to you first for help and advice.
It can be completely normal for your child to initially struggle with feelings of sadness or anger. However, if these feelings persist after several weeks or if your child’s behavior at school changes, it might be time to consider meeting with a professional. Warning signs that a child is struggling and may be in need of professional assistance to cope with his or her feelings include:
- Low grades or loss of interest in subjects;
- Radical changes in behavior – intense fits of anger; stealing; lying; cheating; missing class; fighting; sudden bursts of tears; or reactions that are not proportionate to the situation given their age and maturity;
- Substance Abuse;
- Eating Disorders;
- Disassociating from a peer group/associating with peers known for bad behavior;
- Sleeping too much or too little; or
- Physical manifestations such as headaches, stomach aches, anxiety/panic attacks, wetting the bed, etc.
Except in the cases of self-harm or suicidal ideation in which case immediate emergency help is needed, first check your Parenting Plan regarding the requirements for obtaining help from a psychologist, psychiatrist, or therapist. If your Plan is silent on therapy, discuss providers and options with the other parent and make a joint decision on a provider. If recommended by your provider, be willing to participate in sessions together with your child. If you and your child’s other parent do not align on this issue, speak to an attorney regarding your options for getting your child the help he or she needs.
All of us at Digby Family Law, PLC wish you and your children a great back to school! If you have any questions regarding how to transition to this new season, please do not hesitate to contact us!